| | I have been blessed, in my short life, to have several beautiful friends who have walked me through and out of some dark situations in my life. Girls that have stood beside me through difficult times, that have held me and wiped my tears when I cried, that have jumped up and down with me in good times. These are outstanding women of God, and our relationships have been so special. I have been privileged to stand beside them, as they receive honors and awards, as they achieve above and beyond their peers, as they become fiances, wives, and mothers.
I am wildly, uncontrollably, ecstatically happy for them. I am overjoyed to see them achieve the happiness that they so richly deserve. They are wonderful women, they are marrying or have married wonderful men, and their lives together will bring joy to many.
And yet, sometimes it feels like I'm sitting under my own little black cloud of despair. I work to be happy, to be fullfilled, but sometimes, in quiet moments alone I have to ask myself, "Am I doing something wrong?" "Is there something that I'm missing?" and then I start to entertain the ghosts of lies that Satan loves to whisper to my heart, "If you were pretty enough...", "If you were smarter, or less smart..." "If you were less loud..." "If you were more interesting..." He hisses at me constantly, and all to often I capitulate into the lies, building them up, adding to them instead of rebuking them and tearing them down. I hear his voice more loudly, more clearly than the voice of the Lord, and it's terrifying. I earnestly desire to be married, and to live the life of a wife and mother, and I know that the Lord knows it. I struggle to see his plan and I feel like I'm squinting through fogged glass. I'm afraid that I will mistake the desires of my own heart for his, and I'm afraid of where that will lead. I've prayed so long for definitive answers, for real direction, and still the Lord says "Wait."
"But I don't want to wait!" I tell him, and then I begin to entertain more lies, "If he really loved you, he would have things to say to you, he would tell you his plan, give you a task."
He cuts them off, though, "I don't love you less because I don't have a glorious task for you to complete. I don't value you less because I am not telling you more of my plan. You do not have less worth because I am not telling you more. Trust me."
And so I continue to trust, and while I do, I have to rejoice in the joy of others, as they have shared in my sorrow. It is good to see them and to know that there is hope, that I do serve a God who does good things, and who gives good gifts to his sons and his daughters. It is good to be encouraged in their victory.
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| | Posted 5/27/2008 12:12 AM - 49 Views - 2 eProps - 1 Comment
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