I think I understand why online journals are so depressing. Humanity, when it has good news, shares it. They go from person, to person sharing their story and laughing. Sometimes they'll have too much to share, or not be able to share enough, so that will make a flickering appearance in cyberspace as well... but those occurrences are rare. More often, we fall on the other side of the coin. We have thoughts, or passions or emotions that run through our head 90 miles an hour and they're so jumbled up we can hardly make sense of them. But, secretly, we're dying to let them out. We're all dying to know if those same thoughts are ratcheting around the heads of those around us, but we're also afraid of them. They'll think it's too much, they'll judge me, they'll think I'm losing my grip/control/my mind we think to ourselves. So we take those feelings and post them from the shelter of pseudo-anonymity so that at least we won't see the look of disappointment or disillusionment or righteous indignation in the eyes of the readers.

And so, I'm not going to lie, that's why this post is here. I'm afraid that I am too much, that I'm losing my grip and that people will judge me. And I might be, I might be and they may, I just don't want to have to see it.

Recently, I've found myself in the middle of a lot of drama. I don't like drama or intrigue. I like straightforward things. I like for what I tell people to go to the people who I've told and no further. I dislike chasing back the rabbit trail to undo damage done by statements taken out of context and proportion. I dislike being wrong, and I dislike having to acknowledge that I may occasionally blow things out of proportion myself. The thing I dislike most, though, is being misinterpreted and misunderstood. Frequently, you'll hear the phrase "You don't know me" or "You don't really know me" bandied about. I think that that phrase is a more accurate representation of interpersonal relationships than many of us would like to realize. After all, what does it really mean to know another person? You know their likes, their dislikes, their pet peeves and things that make them light up, but can you know their heart, their motivation, their driving force? You know only so much of people as they will tell you, and in my experience people will tell you whatever they want to make themselves look good. I am no exception and to a large extent I believe even what I say myself.

For example, it is my heart in spirit, in truth -- and I hope in word and deed -- to follow Christ, wherever he leads, whatever he asks until he stops asking. I believe it strongly, and this belief builds me up to be the person and disciple that I must be to continue. It is the wellspring that keeps me searching for more life to live and the one motivation that drives all other good things. The problem is that I cannot explain this to you. I can tell you about it, I can hope that you can envision what I have to say, but it will never, in a sense, be as real to you as it is to me -- even if you share this motivation. Likewise, to some people, small items I'll walk by will have meanings of great spiritual significance. When God says that he alone can know our hearts, these are the kinds of things that he means. Things that even though I could spend hours detailing them to you, would sail over your head because they're unique to us. That us-ness is, really, the essence of what the Christian faith is all about.

All that so say that there are many people that think they know me more deeply than they do, and there are others who know me much better than they think and still others who know that they know me well. The second and third category are enjoyable, and much loved by me, but the first perplexes me -- which is not to say that I don't love them, or find them interesting, only that they confuse me. I do not think that I am a particularly complicated person, and there are rarely hidden messages or innuendos in what I say, unless I deliberately point them out. By the reverse token, there are things in my life that other people simply don't need to know. For example, I have a friend that persists in asking me the character qualities I would like to see in the man I marry and the honest truth of it is that it is none of his business. At least, though, he has the courtesy not to attempt to fill in the gap for me. More often, I find that people will project into areas undesirable character qualities and traits that make up for uncomfortable concepts that they do not like to hear.

Which is not to say that I am always correct, or that I do not have undesirable character qualities, only that these qualities might, in fact, be very different indeed from those qualities that another person might suppose I possess. For example, someone might conclude that the root of a character flaw I have is bitterness, when is it actually overprotectiveness or frustratedness. No one ever wants or expects to clarify, and so they continue on, doing what they're doing, assuming that there's some bitter aspect I need to address with the Lord and so control issues and frustration go unaddressed, and I come away from interactions annoyed that my character has been misrepresented -- and likely misrepresented to more than one person.

And all of this to arrive at another very different point. I have recently been in a good deal of trouble, and creator of no small amount of drama, because my interpretation of scripture with regard to relationships is at the same time very much the same and very much different from many of my peers.

I have been on both sides of the relational coin - determining my worth from the opinion of Man (or men), and determining my worth from the character of God. If you're considering weighing the options, the latter is much preferable. However, I think that we do a great wrong by Scriptural standards if we rely solely on one or even solely on the other.

Before you stone me for heresy, keep reading.

When God created mankind at the beginning, he could have opted to make us solitary creatures. In fact, he even considered the option. He stopped, weighed his creation after putting Adam together and saw that it was not good. This is the first time in the history of creation that he does this. We also see that even before the creation of Adam, he chooses to make man, not in "my" image, but in "our" image. God, in and of himself, is relational, before the creation of man. After the creation of man, we see that God has created another relational creature in his own image -- but that that creature, outside of God has no suitable companionship. And here's what's a big deal:

God says that is not good.

So how many times do we stand in church and in all religious fervor sing about how Jesus is the only thing we need? The only thing that we want? The only thing we 'Fill In The Blank'. I'm not saying that we should stop singing those songs, or that we should stop seeking the Lord. There are times when people are so earnestly seeking everything BUT Jesus that they need to hear that he will fulfill their needs. I'm not saying that Jesus cannot provide to meet our physical needs, or our spiritual needs but I think there is also a bigger picture in this passage of scripture between the dawn of the earth and the creation of mankind. The big picture is that God himself said, "No dice. Something's missing. Let's add on."

Do you follow? Adam is the one man, in the history of creation that has had a perfect, one-to-one man-to-God relationship with the Lord and God himself said that that was not enough -- and so he created Eve.

Note that God, in his wisdom, didn't create a room full of other men so that they could play prehistoric videogames together and not have to deal with 'temptations' associated with being around women. I joke, but only just. It is notable, though, and in theory, we, as Christians, embrace the idea that men and women are ideologically, psychologically and emotionally different in addition to being biologically different. But I think that the other thing that's being gotten at here is deeper that that. We need one another, and what's more we, like God, in the image of him, need to be loved voluntarily.

Say what?

God gave Adam dominion over the animals. He had power and authority over them and none of them were a suitable companion for him. In fact, the only things in all of creation that God did not put under Adam's full control were:

1) Eve and

2) The Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. 

Why is this a big deal? God, in the same way could have chosen to have power, authority and dominion over all aspects of us, but here's the kicker, He doesn't, and he didn't do that to them, he gave them a choice, just as he gives us a choice. But he craves our love, just as we crave the love of others. So those lonely pangs that you feel because you feel broken or unloved? Yeah, that's what God feels when you turn away from him. Ouch.

But how does this apply to relationships, and what does this mean in relationship to my quasi-outlandish claim that an intensely fulfilling relationship with God cannot fully satisfy us?

I'm getting there. Adam had no control over Eve -- he couldn't force her to love him, in a similar way that God does not force us to follow him. Eve could have taken one look at Adam, thrown up a little in her mouth, and walked away. She didn't, because God is awesome and knew her heart and Adam's and what they needed in one another -- but she could have. And like the fact that our choice (and our corporate choice as the Church and bride of Christ) to follow Jesus makes our relationship with him stronger and more meaningful, her choice meant the same thing, in a smaller replication to her relationship with Adam.

And that, in the eyes of God, was good.  

How does that apply to us?

I submit that we need to be strongly rooted in our relationship with God, but that as humanity and relational creatures made in the image of a relational God we also need the love of those who _choose_ to love us to truly be fulfilled and to truly serve the Lord as he deserves.

What do I mean by that? Am I saying I am unfulfilled!? Yes. That's exactly what I'm saying. It is incredibly difficult to watch everyone around you get married and move on with life. Very Difficult. And I've found that most people who will give you trite "Jus' keep on prayin' n' seekin' the Lord!" answers either 1) married young, 2) Are marrying young or 3) are young and not married. I have to be honest with you, most days it makes me want to punch you in the face. Lovingly. But hard. You need to understand that even though my _identity_ lies in Christ and I am secure in that, there are specific areas of my heart that God has set aside for someone else. That are not being met and are extremely vulnerable to attack.

About two years ago, every single woman I know read the book "Captivating." That might be an exaggeration, but not by much. There is an area of that book that discusses three things that women desire: Adventure, to be pursued and to be beautiful. In my relationship with the Lord, we're doing good. We're doing new prayer things. It's cool. We're spending time together, which is great. And since he made me, he's kind of obligated to think I'm beautiful. So God and I are doing awesome! But here's the deal, the interpersonal side of meeting those needs is awful. And it's spilling over into other areas of my life. I work in an office. There goes Adventure. Maybe once a month I get a phone call from someone who wants to hang out. Everything else I plan, or I show up at, or I'm the best thing they could come up with at the shortest notice. There goes Pursuit. I'm short, I'm fat, I have frizzy hair. I'm very aware of my physical shortcomings, everyone around me is getting married. I'm the last girl standing against the proverbial gym wall during dodgeball picks. My face is too round, I have upper arm chub and back fat. I am not the #1 starter of the good-looking all-star team. Bye Bye Beautiful.

My God love-tank is full. My People love tank is running on E. Hardcore. Like Fumes.

The reason I started this exploration is partially because I thought I was in sin. How could I be doing good with God and be so upset? That's not possible right!? I've found that not being fulfilled doesn't necessarily mean that I have fallen out of pace with God or that things are rough with him. It doesn't mean that I'm bitter and angry at men. I'm not. I love men. A lot. Really. I promise. Especially Pierce Brosnan. I mean, without men, I'd have to rely on Sofia to kill the spiders that get into the espresso machine and it would be a mad mad mad mad mad world.  But joking aside, there is an emptiness to being single that is unaddressed by the "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" proponents. I avoided the concept for a long time because I thought it was naive. I have explored it, weighed it, participated in it and I still consider it naive. That doesn't mean that I think that the world's view of dating and the church's view of dating should be the same -- it is obvious that they are not and should not be. But it means that the Lord God Almighty might not bash you over the head and drag you back to some member-of-the-opposite gender's cave.

What it means is that you might have to choose to love someone. And you might be right, and you might be wrong. But it's what God did when he chose to love us. And the only consolation I've found, that makes me not want to punch someone in the face in the disquieting state of being single against my will, is that this is what God goes through every day. This loneliness is the despair he feels for the Lost that he chooses to love, and never come back. And God is awesome enough to live with it, every day, forever even on the days I feel like it's going to break me in half.

 

Clarifications:

1) But! you say, You are wrong, Ashley Keen! Paul served the Lord, and he never married! Very true, that is why the gift of Celibacy is a gift and not a calling. It is something very specific that the Lord calls very few people to -- and that he empowers them to endure, and you'll find that of those who he does gift, he provides them with support of peers, disciples and mentors and other people of both genders who choose to love them outside of a traditional marriage relationship. Rarely will you find anyone in scripture who was truly, genuinely alone.
 

2) What about Jesus? He was single!

Well, he is now. but he won't be. ;) Go read Revelations.