| | Sometimes I don't understand the way the Lord works.
I have had two wonderful, blissful weeks walking with him. He is showing me more right now about the depth of his love and the deepness of his character than I have ever known. This night, as I was having trouble falling asleep, I rolled over in my bed, held on tightly to my pillow and thought, "Holy Spirit I would be so desperately lonely if it weren't for you."
This is worlds apart from even where I was a month ago. Not that loneliness is not a normal occurrence for me, the long oppressive minutes as the clock ticks by between the time that my head hits the pillow and I collapse into sleep is a state that I dread more than most others; I have grown accustomed to it. But now, I have begun to spend those moments in prayer, in meditation and in quiet worship that I can only hope is undisruptive to my roomates. Which doesn't mean that the ache becomes dulled, the pain goes away or becomes less acute, but I can redirect my sadness and my strong emotion into prayer for the hurting, the lost, people who are desperately lonely without the Holy Spirit. It has become an interesting and intimate time with him, in spite of the loneliness of the time and because of it. I think it is because this is an area where I am so weak and so yeilding. I have no pride at this time of the night, no need to impress, no righteous indignation, only an emptiness that nothing can fill but God. I've been finding, that if I ask, he does fill it. And in these lonely hours he listens. And sometimes, if I am still enough he speaks. Not because I've orated a great prayer that needs to be heard, or because I've received some message that needs to be said, but because I'm his daughter, and because no one else is, he sits at the foot of my bed and keeps me company, and talks with me about love, justice, war, peace, politics, religion, life, death, friendship, romance, suffering and his loving and merciful heart for the lost.
It's mind boggling, and it took months of shouting at the ceiling, pounding my fists into my pillow, empty tears and not understanding to get here, but I love it.
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| | Posted 4/6/2008 11:58 PM - 54 Views - 2 eProps - 1 Comment
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